The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. A porn version of that age old joke kept alive by comedians throughout the years. Ooh. Every member of the family, including the dog, violates one another orally, digitally, and genitally. Edgar was in it. Edgar Balthazar: Great. Another cat slides a hook under the harness. It's not fair! Hold on! I just thought of that and that's unbelievable. Toulouse:[offscreen]I told ya it was Edgar. I mean it's surprising they haven't that they're not all in jail! [Sniffling][Sloshing][Splat]Yeah! Why didnt he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants and saying, This is totally wrong. Amelia: No! Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? Ooh. Mark Elliott: This summer, live the adventure. They'll be gone. Mark Elliott: "Muppet Treasure Island". Ahh! Mark Elliott: Coming to video. I only wish that l--. Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]That bird cage? Waving a scythe, Edgar chases O'Malley up a ladder. Berlioz:Hooray, we're home! He's our oldest anddearest friend, you know. Mark Elliott: He lived a solitary life behind stone walls. Oh, l, I mean,even little Marie. The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. Stocks and bonds? O'Malley: [sighs] Duchess, there's something I need to ask you. Gilbert Gottfried - Aristocrats Joke. [Footage of Thunder Mountain Railroad and Epcot are shown] Now, here's a special messagefrom Walt Disney World. Where are you? You're comin' on. 17:03. He told me justto mention his name. Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. Here, kitty, kitty,kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! I almost fell. The scene is stomach-churning, and thats the point. Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. It will come later. Marie: But, mama, do wehave sparklingsapphire eyes that dazzle too? Aufwiedersehen. O'Malley: Right underthat magic carpet. Berlioz: It isn't Beethoven, Mama,but it sure bounces. Abigail: [offscreen]Fancy that, a cat learning how to swim. Georges Hautecourt:Very good. Amelia: Sir. Georges Hautecourt: Will, eh? My umbrella! Duchess:[offscreen]And they are very fond of you. You don't suppose--. "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. Here we go. Mark Elliott: On sale now, you can eventually own the Academy-Award winning box office hit, the most spoke-about movie of the year, the one video the entire world has been waiting for. The details of the joke change with every telling (and Have you seen Gallagher? Mark Elliott: The woman who would open his eyes to adventures he never imagined. And those eyes of yours. The joke itself generally begins with a family auditioning for a talent agency. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents it's all-new 37th animated motion picture. A family walks in to a talent. Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. sporkythespaz. All of them dollars. because in a joke that's what happens. Not bad,eh, Frou-Frou old girl? Georges Hautecourt: Am I going too fast for you, Edgar? O'Malley: Duchess, this isthe greatest cat of'em all: Scat Cat. Kittens! Ooh. [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay. [Humming"Rock-A-Bye-Baby"]Oops! Duchess: [Laughs]"Old picklepuss who"? I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! I'd like to send it to the kids from the show "Full House". Aristocats are never found inalley ways or hanging around. 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Two cats throw a harness from the hay loft, encircling him. That's good. Abigail: We are to meet himat Le Petit Cafe. But then the mother goes, "Please, sir, if you just give us two minutes, we know you'll like our act." Duchess: Oh, I'll be so gladwhen we get back home. Why, that's terrible! And I come after the cats. How could I forget him? Where's my hat? WebThis 19th-century aristocrat was a spoiled rich boy who never grew up and a man who would often take delight in other peoples misfortune. [Screen fades from black, showing some of the locations from the film]. Duches: [offscreen]Berlioz, now don't be rude. But he had a bed in it, like a couch that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know Joe Franklin raped me. And that was my vacation. Roquefort: Not a sign of them, Frou-Frou,and I've searched all night. All right. You eitherare or you're not. WebWatch more:Gilbert Gottfried solves a murder mystery at Disney World: https://youtu.be/URuNJvtlGT0Gilbert Gottfrieds Dead Pet Turtle: Smile. Roquefort:[ Muttering ]Why did I listen to that O'Malley cat!? [ Laughing ], Napoleon: You're not gonna believe this, man,but it's. Meee-owww! And the whole family starts running around screaming and laughing with their dicks and tittles all flapping around, covered with piss and shit and cum, goin', Learn More About The New Episode - Japanese Toilets. I like Uncle Waldo. That guy's dynamite. Georges Hautecourt: Adelaide, my, my dear. WhyEdgar? [ Yawns ] Come on, guys, let's go back to bed. Oh, my gracious! WebAristocrats Joke [OFFENSIVE] Brandon Rogers Brandon Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 years ago My take on the age-old Aristocrats joke. [ Grunting ] Okay, Laffy, you're right, it's the end. [ Laughing ]That always makes melaugh, sir. Now I'll never get my hat Plan B. Napoleon: Ooh, whoo, heh. Frollo: [To Phoebus, unimpressed] Look at that disgusting display. Lafayette: Hey, Napoleon! The family jumps. Duchess: Now, now, Toulouse. The Magic Oracle: Follow the trail of the Forty Thieves. Edgar, old chap, get used tothe finer things of life. O'Malley:[offscreen]Look, I'mgonna need help right away. WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. I can walk into NBC tomorrow and say I have a dysfunctional family idea. Toulouse: But you know what? Look at this! He eats stuff off her face. Subscribe for more terrible shit! Mr. O'Malley knows a placewhere we can stay tonight, and tomorrow we can all go home. Roquefort: Duchess, kittens, gone? And the talent agent says, "Sorry, we don't sign family acts. Mark Elliott: With it's all-new 37th animated motion picture! And aristocatic flair in whatthey do and what they say. Georges Hautecourt: [Chuckling]Don't panic, Edgar. That'll be turning it on. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. Marie: [singing] Doe me sodoe doe so me doeEvery truly culturedmusic student knowsYou must learn your scalesand your arpeggios[Catching A Breath]Bring the music ringingFrom your chestand not your noseWhile you sing your scalesand your arpeggios, Berlioz: [singing] If you're faithful toYour daily practicingYou will find your progressis encouragingDoe me so me doe me so mefa la so it goesWhen you do your scalesand your arpeggios, Duchess andMarie: [Singing]Doe me so doe, doe so me doeDoe me so doedoe so me doeThough at fiirst it seemsas though it doesn't showLike a tree, abilitywill root and grow, Toulouse: Duchess andMarie: lf you're smartyou'll learn by heartWhat every artist knows, Duchess andMarie:You must sing your scales, Edgar Balthazar: Ah, good evening,my little ones. [offscreen]Gethim, get him, get him, get him! WebPolice have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. This-- Well, this mansion? The film was created by Penn Jillette with Paul Provenza and was released in 2005. Very good. He then describes a Hieronymus Boschlike tableau of torture. Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. Now, Marie's the caboose. And the talent agent says, What do you call yourselves? And the father sticks his chest out and goes, The Aristocrats. Ow! The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. They're gone! You know, this isthe low-rent district, remember? Toulouse: Sorry, Ol'Black face. Duchess Oh, how nice. We want to hear it. Andy Richter: Then I move my wiener back and forth, until stuff shoots out. Now, you go for the tires, Laffy and I'll goright for the seat of the problem. Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette. A family walks in to Good evening, Duchess. Young cat. Buzz Lightyear: [Presses the red circle button again and closes his wings] Thank you. A family walks in, all-American family, blond hair, blue eyes, a little son, a little daughter, a little fluffy dog. [ Chuckling ]. I've only got one. [onscreen]The baggage truck willbe here any moment now. How did they develop this act! Fisherman's luck. Edgar Balthazar: Whoa, Frou-Frou, whoa. Oh, oh--Oh, Uncle Waldo,you're just too much. Hey, hold up there. Napoleon:Wait a minute. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. [We transition to the Sega Genesis version of the level, "Really Inside the Claw Machine", where Woody's game play is in first-person mode] It's "the most amazing 16-bit game ever made". Come on. [offscreen]His eyes are too close together. Scat Cat tosses a bucket of water over Edgar's head. Roquefort: That's it! It does look hopeless,doesn't it? Look at that bridge! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh, it's no use, Edgar. Neighborhood! Duchess: You know something,Thomas, your friends arereally delightful. I had the most horribledream about them. Although the talent agent initially brushes them off as too 'cutesy', he is eventually persuaded to allow them to show him their act. Hello, kittens. Roquefort:Don't worry about me! Georges Hautecourt: [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[ Humming ]Oh. You see, my mistress, shewill beso worried about us. And, Berlioz,well, such behaviouris most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman. Duchess: [Sighing] I understand perfectly,Monsieur O'Malley, sir. He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. - What? Hole in the left sole,it sounds like. A slip of the handand it's off to dreamland. Roquefort:A-A-Alley cats!? It really is muchtoo heavy for you, Madame. Then we see a picture of Walt Disney]. It's awful and some blood starts dripping down her leg. Oh, dear! Let's hurry. The Aristocats! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Just in time now! I love 'em. All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. Whee! What made them think this was entertaining! Don't worry. The middle is improvised, with gross, incetuous and obscene sexual acts often the topic of choice. Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? [Snarling, Hissing, Spitting ]. This little guy's on the level. And poor Madamedidn't sleep a wink either. Did you haveany luck at all? The garbage canswhere common kitties play. The Beau Weaver: From moviesto magical vacations. I've just gotto find them. Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. Its release marks the completion and end of something, or perhaps several things, though what, exactly, is difficult to determine or The 100 Best Albums of 2022, But thats a whole other story, he deadpanned. Let's be nice to our new friends. "The "Aristocrats. It's "Roquefort". To which pets do the otherstip their hats? Hop aboard the motorcycle. Why, I'll, I'll eatmy hat if they-- My hat! Okay. Edgar Balthazar: Of course, Madame. Just back away from me. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! It falls over, shrieking. Let's see. Frogs: [singing] Ribbit, croak, needeep, croak, ribbit. Ah, Georges. I've heard the "joke." It's showtime! Get her! Get out! Oh! Mother's going towork for Mr. O'Malley. Last oneup the stairs is a nincompoop. Beau Weaver: And here's what's new from Disney Interactive. Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. We chased four motorcarsand a bicycle and a scooter. Winnie the Pooh! Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. O'Malley:[offscreen]All right. Frou-Frou grabs Edgar by the jacket. O'Malley:[offscreen]That was justa lucky break for me, baby. Back off, girls. Berlioz: [Yelps, Needle Scratching,Music Slows]. But first, introductions. Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Come along, dear. Duchess: Oh, Thomas, that was really brave of you. Copyright 2023 Penske Business Media, LLC. Next [Woody claps for Buzz] And for Sega Genesis and Super NES, "Toy Story: The Video Game". Which pets get to sleepon velvet mats? Marie: Oh! The entire joke was a lampoon of the wealthy elite. Woody: This is the perfect time to panic! YeahAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catThat's rightAnd I'm very proud of that (Spoken)Yeah! Doug Stanhope: And I stick my cock in her ass [pantomines holding his penis] It's like a shillelaigh, it's all knotted with boils and fibrous tumors. So the piano player starts to play. O'Malley: Well, some humansare like that, Duchess. You're too much. I havea cracker with me. She's a real sexy nine-year-old. Duchess: Now, now, my darling. Uh-oh. [Grunting]Lafayette. Gee! ". Amelia: And by the way, when we get to Paris,you must meet Uncle Waldo. Oh, dear,what a terrible night. Amelia: And he's going about itall the wrong way.
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